Honesty

I feel that with this new blog, that it's time to just be honest. A lot of the time now, because of what I am going thru, i tend to bend the truth. No not in a bad way i suppose. More along the lines of when someone asks me how I am doing, there is always a short pause before I say "i'm fine, i'm okay, great, wonderful" and whatever else I can think to come up with quickly. Okay so honestly, in that short pause, there is so much that goes thru my mind that I wish i could say, no scream! I want to let you know how hard it is for me to dodge this question and not tell you exactly how I am feeling, how hard it was for me to get out of bed today, knowing that there is a 100% chance that I will run into someone who is pregnant or something that has to do with babies, that more than likely I am going to see a mom who is doing something horrible to a child and think how unfit they are, how unfair it is that I did everything right and those who do whatever they want are the people who are having babies left and right, that it breaks my heart to hear someone say  that they thought about giving up their baby because they weren't ready!!! and mostly that I am not writing this blog for sympathy, but for a clear understanding from everyone. I just want people to be able to understand where I am coming from and why sometimes I am not going to be able to make it to a baby shower, or even comment on your babies birth photos right away, trust me it really has nothing to do with you!! Or even why I didn't want to go to Disney World this year with my family having to watch ladies with a million kids parade them around all the parks having a cute contest. So in conclusion, this is the honest truth!

Today's weather forecast.....

So, as in all things, when you have a problem, some days are just worse than others! Last night was not a good nite for me as far as all of this is concerned! No matter what I watched, read, heard or saw it was about babies!! Ugh!! Sometimes it seems that I really want to talk to people about my thoughts and feelings toward this, but then I think ahead to how it will go down! They will tell me exactly what I don't want to hear... Just don't worry about it, take your mind off of this, don't trouble yourself, you are taking this too hard, it will happen one day, your still young, maybe you just aren't meant to get pregnant, etc. I have heard it all and trust me, none of these ever help! What does help is having a great friend who is going thru this very curse with me and a husband who is extremely supportive! Sometimes with my husband tho, i feel like he looks at me like a defective piece of hardware that he bought ( although I know this to be quite the contrary), in reality that's really the way I see myself, not him. He loves me unconditionally no matter what. Although i know he can never truly relate all the way, he does a incredible job of knowing when i seem like I need a hug, a simple I love you, a caress of the arm, a joke to make me smile if not laugh, make a complete fool of himself just to make me make that face at him and sometimes just to be silent, because sometimes there is just nothing you can say! I am so blessed to have him as my soul mate and beside me while I am going thru the worst pain in my life. Having my husband is integral, but so is my bff who like i said is going thru the same thing in her life. I can tell her things that i can't or wouldn't tell my husband because of the look i know i would get. LOL!! Being able to share this burden with her (although i deeply wish it was something else we had so in common) really helps. Just to be able to say a few words to each other, exchange a look and know that we are on the same page and are thinking the exact same thing is great and very therapeutic. I try to talk to others, but trying to tell someone who has children already about not being able to have children is like complaining to a eskimo that there is no snow in ga. The eskimo in no way can relate to you and really has no sympathy either. Anywho, I have to admit that i keep thinking about monday and what the dr. appt will bring. Every scenario i can think of ends with me broken hearted, although some seem worse scenario's than others i will admit. I am just praying that it goes well and that God would use this dr. to help me, guide me and show me my path on striving to get prenant!

Some of you may or may not know this about me.....

If there is one thing in life that I enjoy no matter what else is going on, it's writing. To me there is nothing like seeing your thoughts and ideas on paper, or in this case a computer screen. With that said, my reason for writing this blog....
I need a outlet, a place to rant, ramble and vent! Trust me, right now i need it! 
Alright some background: I am 25 years old, I have been married for 4 years and been actively trying to conceive for 1 1/2 years now. In the beginning I wasn't really discouraged, I just thought, well i don't really know what I thought, but now I have allowed my self to sink into a very dark place and I have to admit, sometimes it's scary. Mostly it's my feelings and thoughts that scare me, the questions that I ask myself. What went wrong, what happened to you, are you just so unfit to be a mother, is that what is being told to you, etc. This all started last July, when I knew something was wrong (really medically wrong) with me, I was late for the first time ever. My monthly's were so regular i knew exactly down to the minute of the day when I was going to start! So imagine my surprise and first  thoughts, of course, "I'm pregnant!!". Nope, wrong! I didn't get my next monthly till January of this year, then nothing again until a week ago (august 2010). So i have to admit, at first when i only saw some spotting, my mind wondered to thoughts of pregnancy once again, ha yeah right. Right after these thoughts had cleared my mind came a huge flow, but this time something was way wrong, the pain was terrible. I finally decided i needed to go to the doctor. And finally this time, somebody listened! I have been praying for so long for someone to listen and not just judge me from first glance, and they did! Finally after months of research on my own, the letters PCOS were brought up by someone else! Now I don't want this, but to actually have a label for what is wrong feels amazing, but also a little scary. I go this next week to a new obgyn who will tell me for sure if this is what is wrong, and if it is we will discuss treatment. This to me is a two way street, one way is the treatable/curable street, this is the happy street, the other is things like "removal" and other absolution's of the problem, my own personal nightmare street. So I am just praying for good news. 
A few weeks ago I made a radical decision (only radical for me ) I decided to transfer into the baby room at work, big deal right?! Well for me this was like throwing myself into my own personal hell. Anything to do with babies, pregnancy, any relation at all sends me into a horrible crying fit, and leaves me broken hearted and empty. So yes to me this was a huge deal. I thought, what is the best way to get over something, and throwing myself all in was the only way i could come up with. So the first few days left me with the normal feelings, but things are getting somewhat better now. The thoughts of resentment for the babies parents are long gone. But today, the most awful and awkward thing happened, I was trying to feed a beautiful baby girl who has been kinda sickly all week and doesn't want to drink her bottle, so as she started crying and turning her head away i say, "please, please drink for mahhh....eee ( I caught myself almost saying drink for mommy), when I realized what I was about to say, I immediately burst into tears (thank goodness I work alone) and had to put the child down. I don't know what happened, i guess I just got caught up in the whole thing, but that really just threw me off. After things like this happen, or i see and hear things about people who are pregnant who don't deserve to be, I start to question everything, and hopefully with the aid of this blog and my new obgyn, i will be able to stop that! Just know that you are not alone in this, ladies like us are all over!!