Be fruitful and mulitply!! oh yeah, not me!

Okay so once again, it's been a minute since I had time to blog. Nothing new to report as far as any new developments on the whole PCOS junk. No, mostly just wanted to blog about my feelings as of late. I am doing better as far as not hating every mother I see and wanting to throw my computer against a wall every time I read where one of my friends and family are pregnant on a certain social network. So yeah! I really truly believe that by throwing myself into the baby room at work has helped a lot. Every now and again there are certain things that still are really emotionally hard, like when a baby calls me mama all the time and screams and pitches a huge fit when I have to leave her or when we have babies come in thru dfacs that are abused or were born addicted to drugs and or alcohol and things like that, but I am making it. Right now, my main two struggles are this...1. baby showers for friends and family and 2. something my husband discovered in the Bible for a paper he is writing that just makes me very, frustrated. So to explain number one a little more, there is a lady at work that is having a baby shower, and don't get me wrong, I really like her and am happy that she is having a baby and all, but there is something that is stopping me from wanting to go and sit with a bunch of other ladies who more than likely have all experienced the miracle of child birth and get to hear their stories and blah blah blah! I don't know, i just can't, I am not there yet. To explain number two, my husband is writing this paper for college, he does some research and tells me that the phrase "be fruitful and multiply" is in Genesis 7 times, 7 is the number of God and of perfection, so if being able to reproduce is perfection, why haven't I been able to that which God commands. I feel utterly useless right now, I can't even carry out this one thing. What is wrong with me!!!!!!

Uh, yeah. It's been awhile!!

Dear readers, if you are really our there. I would just like to apologize for my recent absentism in posting. It has been a super crazy past few weeks. So for 7 days straight we had NO AIR CONDITIONING!! That was by far the worst thing ever so far to date. After 7 fun filled days and nights of a wonderful 90 degrees inside the house, the man who promised to have our air fixed many days prior finally pulled thru. I now have a new appreciation for air conditioning. Anywho, not to much has happened as far as any new amazing things in my treatment. I am still getting a horrible stomach ache and abdomen pains thruout my days. I am supposed to return to the ob dr tomorrow actually but my boss is making me change my appointment, mostly because she can. As far as my feelings and moods about this whole thing go, I have been doing better, every once in awhile something will trigger me and I of course lose it. Like the other day I was at work, I had picked up a new lil baby boy that just enrolled in my class. He reached for me, put his little hands around my neck, pulled himself close to me then nuzzled onto my shoulder and fell asleep. Well me being me, completely fell apart again. And for whatever reason today I remembered what someone told me once and it made me lose it, i was told that I must not be believing right, worshipping right, because if I was then i would have everything that I needed and wanted. I can not believe that. I mean to me, that is the same as telling me that the reason I had skin cancer on a spot on my face is because I am not believing right. No, i got skin cancer because I am prone to it and because of the sun, just like I can't have a baby right now because my ovaries are riddled with cyst's and they can't produce eggs, therefore NO BABIES!! Not because I am not praying enough (believe me I do my fair share) or not in "good standing" with God. People who are not in my situtation have no clue what it's like. I don't know this weekend has just been a really rough one, i really wish I could do like "Bob" and take a vacation from my problems. That would be so amazing!!! Anyway, bought to watch a movie with the hubby and try and clear my head.