About to come unglued! :p

I am sitting here in a hotel room, while satan has made away with my children, well only poor Brooke right now, fortunately for J.T he turned 18 and is no longer required to do this mess. I am just about ready to explode, just being around her and seeing how well life treats her and what all she gets away with. Ugh....
O.k anywho, moving on, so officially last wednesday I started! I was so happy, that is until the pain started as well. But just being, feeling normal again for at least a week was great! So maybe finally the meds are helping me like the doctors said they would.

So many things....

So here I am sitting in my living room watching a movie on netflix feeling some of the worst cramps I can remember, and for only the second time in my life I am actually excited at the thought that I may be getting ready to start my period! I used to dread the thought of this thing so many women see as a curse. For the women who get their period without any hesitation the thought of this is a horrible curse, taken for granted at the fact that at a moments notice you could become pregnant! People like me, who can't get their period without a doctors help thru medication or surgery, a monthly curse becomes a much missed blessing in disguise. I truly do hope that the pain is menstral, not just from the stupid PCOS.

I found out the other day that a 14 year old girl is having a baby! Really, I mean really!!!! What the junk, a 14 year old can get pregnant, whos body isnt really ready to have a baby, who can't even get a job to provide for her baby is able to get pregnant. I just don't understand. Anywho, moving on...at work our big boss decided to move my room to a smaller room and move another classroom into my room, because i am moving into a smaller room they needed to get rid of some of the numerous cribs that we had in there, so instead of giving them to good will or throwing them away we decided to give them to people who may want or need them. Its sad and hurts me to admit this, maybe wishful thinking i don't know, but I got one to bring home. I kept telling myself it was for my dog, its bigger than her cage ya know, but deep down, i think I may have brought it home for other reasons. Reasons a little too fresh and painful for me to write down in words, so you can just use your imagination. I feel so stupid every time I see it or think about it. Rediculous. I suppose if nothing happens for me before long I will give it to a good home! 
Thats all for now, I will definetly report as to whether or not I actually get my period or not. Heres hoping I do!!!

Be fruitful and mulitply!! oh yeah, not me!

Okay so once again, it's been a minute since I had time to blog. Nothing new to report as far as any new developments on the whole PCOS junk. No, mostly just wanted to blog about my feelings as of late. I am doing better as far as not hating every mother I see and wanting to throw my computer against a wall every time I read where one of my friends and family are pregnant on a certain social network. So yeah! I really truly believe that by throwing myself into the baby room at work has helped a lot. Every now and again there are certain things that still are really emotionally hard, like when a baby calls me mama all the time and screams and pitches a huge fit when I have to leave her or when we have babies come in thru dfacs that are abused or were born addicted to drugs and or alcohol and things like that, but I am making it. Right now, my main two struggles are this...1. baby showers for friends and family and 2. something my husband discovered in the Bible for a paper he is writing that just makes me very, frustrated. So to explain number one a little more, there is a lady at work that is having a baby shower, and don't get me wrong, I really like her and am happy that she is having a baby and all, but there is something that is stopping me from wanting to go and sit with a bunch of other ladies who more than likely have all experienced the miracle of child birth and get to hear their stories and blah blah blah! I don't know, i just can't, I am not there yet. To explain number two, my husband is writing this paper for college, he does some research and tells me that the phrase "be fruitful and multiply" is in Genesis 7 times, 7 is the number of God and of perfection, so if being able to reproduce is perfection, why haven't I been able to that which God commands. I feel utterly useless right now, I can't even carry out this one thing. What is wrong with me!!!!!!

Uh, yeah. It's been awhile!!

Dear readers, if you are really our there. I would just like to apologize for my recent absentism in posting. It has been a super crazy past few weeks. So for 7 days straight we had NO AIR CONDITIONING!! That was by far the worst thing ever so far to date. After 7 fun filled days and nights of a wonderful 90 degrees inside the house, the man who promised to have our air fixed many days prior finally pulled thru. I now have a new appreciation for air conditioning. Anywho, not to much has happened as far as any new amazing things in my treatment. I am still getting a horrible stomach ache and abdomen pains thruout my days. I am supposed to return to the ob dr tomorrow actually but my boss is making me change my appointment, mostly because she can. As far as my feelings and moods about this whole thing go, I have been doing better, every once in awhile something will trigger me and I of course lose it. Like the other day I was at work, I had picked up a new lil baby boy that just enrolled in my class. He reached for me, put his little hands around my neck, pulled himself close to me then nuzzled onto my shoulder and fell asleep. Well me being me, completely fell apart again. And for whatever reason today I remembered what someone told me once and it made me lose it, i was told that I must not be believing right, worshipping right, because if I was then i would have everything that I needed and wanted. I can not believe that. I mean to me, that is the same as telling me that the reason I had skin cancer on a spot on my face is because I am not believing right. No, i got skin cancer because I am prone to it and because of the sun, just like I can't have a baby right now because my ovaries are riddled with cyst's and they can't produce eggs, therefore NO BABIES!! Not because I am not praying enough (believe me I do my fair share) or not in "good standing" with God. People who are not in my situtation have no clue what it's like. I don't know this weekend has just been a really rough one, i really wish I could do like "Bob" and take a vacation from my problems. That would be so amazing!!! Anyway, bought to watch a movie with the hubby and try and clear my head.

Complicate matters more...

Okay so if you know me or you read my about me you know that my husband had two children from a previous marriage. I claim these two children as my own and they even call me mom. Their background was not a great one, the "real" egg donor as i call her left her children and husband for meth and a man who supplied her the drugs! She left when they were very young, J.T was 8 and Brooke was 5. During the divorce my husband was awarded full custody and her visitation.  She visited with them a few times, and payed her child support for a little while as well, but then she just stopped. Stopped setting up visits, stopped paying and stopped calling. When I met them, Brooke was 8 and J.T 11. ,the effects of not having a mother were clearly visible. Jamey and I began dating in June, that december she called to speak to the kids. Keep in mind they haven't heard from her in forever. The effects of that superfast phone call would stick with me for the rest of my life. J.T was left angry and confused and Brooke was left heart broken and needing reassurance and affection. I was thankful that I was there to help. The first year of our marriage was quiet and we heard nothing from her, the next year i get a call that she has tried to check them both out of school  {thank goodness they had the copy of the divorce agreement on file and she couldn't} then she shows up at my husbands job demanding to see them. After some extreme prayer and decision making, we decided to start visitation again. This has been the worst decision ever. Expecially dealing with the fact that I myself have not been able to get pg, but low life scum like her can have kids, leave them, treat them like dirt and not have to pay for what she has done to them (or pay for the back child support she owes them either). Every time the kids see her is like starting over. The kids try to explain to her their feelings, but the meth abuse has left her brain wishing for  anything that looks like reasoning skills. Each time is difficult for me now, keeping my mouth shut, not saying to her all the things that I want to. I can not wait until both kids are 18 and they no longer have to deal with her. It makes me mad to think that my husband was able to reproduce with her, have two amazing children with her, that she was able to have his kids. That she was able to have his kids and then make all the wrong decisions with them. Take them on drug runs, feed them lies about where they were going and what they were doing, she got to make mistakes. I cant even do that, make mistakes i mean. Sometimes I just don't understand why things are the way they are.

Medicine day 4.

Today is Saturday which means I have officially been on the Metformin now for 4 days. I don't really know if am supposed to notice anything or not. There is one thing I notice above all, that about a hour after I take it I have a severely upset stomach, and yes to answer the simple question, I am eating with this medicine. This is not fun, but I can also say that I can somewhat notice a change in my moods.

Lately because of the disturbance in my hormones I am either one of two extremes, crying like a baby or mean as a hornet. I have noticed that I seem to be a little more even keeled about things which is something that I like. I don't feel that my hormones are on a out of control roller coaster, and this is a good thing. So I am going to keep paying close attention to my self and seeing what other noticeable changes there are. If i find anymore, i will gladly report them on here in case there is actually really anyone reading this. Are you there!!??

Signing off

Monday was D day, d for doctor that is!!

Yesterday was Dr. day! I went to my new obgyn. I was so super nervous for several reasons, but mostly scared i was going to get some horrible terrible news. After what seemed like a long conversation with the doctor he finally gives me a answer, a label. Hello my name is Stephanie and I have PCOS. Poly cystic ovarian syndrome. Basically it means that my hormones are out of balance, making me not have a period, and if you don't have a period you cant make eggs and can't make a baby! Also as a result of the hormone changes are many tiny cysts begin to grow on the ovaries (hence the name). So now I begin treatment, first and foremost because of long term effects of pcos I have to get my weight down to lessen the more serious effects (diabetes and heart disease) and also make me a healthier person, I have now started taking a medicine called metformin to help regulate my hormones which should help my periods begin being regular again. The doctor said then after regular periods will I be able to tell whether or not I can get pregnant. He said that as long as you produce eggs you should be able to get, but if I do not get pg after 6 months  then that means that there is something else going on like endometriosis. So I have to say that I am glad to know what I am fighting. It's nice to have a name/face to my problem. I go back in 3 weeks to see if the meds are affecting my hormones and what not. I now feel a little more like a woman again. I must admit that thru all of this I have really stopped feeling like a woman, I stopped feeling sexy, undesirable. Why would a man want me, I am broken, defective and hideous. To me a woman was made to have children, (this is my personal feelings right now) and if I can't do that, then I can not consider myself a whole woman. It doesn't help that many of the symptoms of PCOS are gross, like abnormal hair growth on the face and body, acne and weight gain, Sometimes i feel more like a teenage boy going thru puberty than a 25 year old woman. Hopefully now the meds that I am taking will reverse most of these symptoms and make me feel even more like a woman again. Beautiful and desirable!

*if anyone has any desire to read more about PCOS click here*   http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/polycystic-ovary-syndrome

Honesty

I feel that with this new blog, that it's time to just be honest. A lot of the time now, because of what I am going thru, i tend to bend the truth. No not in a bad way i suppose. More along the lines of when someone asks me how I am doing, there is always a short pause before I say "i'm fine, i'm okay, great, wonderful" and whatever else I can think to come up with quickly. Okay so honestly, in that short pause, there is so much that goes thru my mind that I wish i could say, no scream! I want to let you know how hard it is for me to dodge this question and not tell you exactly how I am feeling, how hard it was for me to get out of bed today, knowing that there is a 100% chance that I will run into someone who is pregnant or something that has to do with babies, that more than likely I am going to see a mom who is doing something horrible to a child and think how unfit they are, how unfair it is that I did everything right and those who do whatever they want are the people who are having babies left and right, that it breaks my heart to hear someone say  that they thought about giving up their baby because they weren't ready!!! and mostly that I am not writing this blog for sympathy, but for a clear understanding from everyone. I just want people to be able to understand where I am coming from and why sometimes I am not going to be able to make it to a baby shower, or even comment on your babies birth photos right away, trust me it really has nothing to do with you!! Or even why I didn't want to go to Disney World this year with my family having to watch ladies with a million kids parade them around all the parks having a cute contest. So in conclusion, this is the honest truth!

Today's weather forecast.....

So, as in all things, when you have a problem, some days are just worse than others! Last night was not a good nite for me as far as all of this is concerned! No matter what I watched, read, heard or saw it was about babies!! Ugh!! Sometimes it seems that I really want to talk to people about my thoughts and feelings toward this, but then I think ahead to how it will go down! They will tell me exactly what I don't want to hear... Just don't worry about it, take your mind off of this, don't trouble yourself, you are taking this too hard, it will happen one day, your still young, maybe you just aren't meant to get pregnant, etc. I have heard it all and trust me, none of these ever help! What does help is having a great friend who is going thru this very curse with me and a husband who is extremely supportive! Sometimes with my husband tho, i feel like he looks at me like a defective piece of hardware that he bought ( although I know this to be quite the contrary), in reality that's really the way I see myself, not him. He loves me unconditionally no matter what. Although i know he can never truly relate all the way, he does a incredible job of knowing when i seem like I need a hug, a simple I love you, a caress of the arm, a joke to make me smile if not laugh, make a complete fool of himself just to make me make that face at him and sometimes just to be silent, because sometimes there is just nothing you can say! I am so blessed to have him as my soul mate and beside me while I am going thru the worst pain in my life. Having my husband is integral, but so is my bff who like i said is going thru the same thing in her life. I can tell her things that i can't or wouldn't tell my husband because of the look i know i would get. LOL!! Being able to share this burden with her (although i deeply wish it was something else we had so in common) really helps. Just to be able to say a few words to each other, exchange a look and know that we are on the same page and are thinking the exact same thing is great and very therapeutic. I try to talk to others, but trying to tell someone who has children already about not being able to have children is like complaining to a eskimo that there is no snow in ga. The eskimo in no way can relate to you and really has no sympathy either. Anywho, I have to admit that i keep thinking about monday and what the dr. appt will bring. Every scenario i can think of ends with me broken hearted, although some seem worse scenario's than others i will admit. I am just praying that it goes well and that God would use this dr. to help me, guide me and show me my path on striving to get prenant!

Some of you may or may not know this about me.....

If there is one thing in life that I enjoy no matter what else is going on, it's writing. To me there is nothing like seeing your thoughts and ideas on paper, or in this case a computer screen. With that said, my reason for writing this blog....
I need a outlet, a place to rant, ramble and vent! Trust me, right now i need it! 
Alright some background: I am 25 years old, I have been married for 4 years and been actively trying to conceive for 1 1/2 years now. In the beginning I wasn't really discouraged, I just thought, well i don't really know what I thought, but now I have allowed my self to sink into a very dark place and I have to admit, sometimes it's scary. Mostly it's my feelings and thoughts that scare me, the questions that I ask myself. What went wrong, what happened to you, are you just so unfit to be a mother, is that what is being told to you, etc. This all started last July, when I knew something was wrong (really medically wrong) with me, I was late for the first time ever. My monthly's were so regular i knew exactly down to the minute of the day when I was going to start! So imagine my surprise and first  thoughts, of course, "I'm pregnant!!". Nope, wrong! I didn't get my next monthly till January of this year, then nothing again until a week ago (august 2010). So i have to admit, at first when i only saw some spotting, my mind wondered to thoughts of pregnancy once again, ha yeah right. Right after these thoughts had cleared my mind came a huge flow, but this time something was way wrong, the pain was terrible. I finally decided i needed to go to the doctor. And finally this time, somebody listened! I have been praying for so long for someone to listen and not just judge me from first glance, and they did! Finally after months of research on my own, the letters PCOS were brought up by someone else! Now I don't want this, but to actually have a label for what is wrong feels amazing, but also a little scary. I go this next week to a new obgyn who will tell me for sure if this is what is wrong, and if it is we will discuss treatment. This to me is a two way street, one way is the treatable/curable street, this is the happy street, the other is things like "removal" and other absolution's of the problem, my own personal nightmare street. So I am just praying for good news. 
A few weeks ago I made a radical decision (only radical for me ) I decided to transfer into the baby room at work, big deal right?! Well for me this was like throwing myself into my own personal hell. Anything to do with babies, pregnancy, any relation at all sends me into a horrible crying fit, and leaves me broken hearted and empty. So yes to me this was a huge deal. I thought, what is the best way to get over something, and throwing myself all in was the only way i could come up with. So the first few days left me with the normal feelings, but things are getting somewhat better now. The thoughts of resentment for the babies parents are long gone. But today, the most awful and awkward thing happened, I was trying to feed a beautiful baby girl who has been kinda sickly all week and doesn't want to drink her bottle, so as she started crying and turning her head away i say, "please, please drink for mahhh....eee ( I caught myself almost saying drink for mommy), when I realized what I was about to say, I immediately burst into tears (thank goodness I work alone) and had to put the child down. I don't know what happened, i guess I just got caught up in the whole thing, but that really just threw me off. After things like this happen, or i see and hear things about people who are pregnant who don't deserve to be, I start to question everything, and hopefully with the aid of this blog and my new obgyn, i will be able to stop that! Just know that you are not alone in this, ladies like us are all over!!