Some of you may or may not know this about me.....

If there is one thing in life that I enjoy no matter what else is going on, it's writing. To me there is nothing like seeing your thoughts and ideas on paper, or in this case a computer screen. With that said, my reason for writing this blog....
I need a outlet, a place to rant, ramble and vent! Trust me, right now i need it! 
Alright some background: I am 25 years old, I have been married for 4 years and been actively trying to conceive for 1 1/2 years now. In the beginning I wasn't really discouraged, I just thought, well i don't really know what I thought, but now I have allowed my self to sink into a very dark place and I have to admit, sometimes it's scary. Mostly it's my feelings and thoughts that scare me, the questions that I ask myself. What went wrong, what happened to you, are you just so unfit to be a mother, is that what is being told to you, etc. This all started last July, when I knew something was wrong (really medically wrong) with me, I was late for the first time ever. My monthly's were so regular i knew exactly down to the minute of the day when I was going to start! So imagine my surprise and first  thoughts, of course, "I'm pregnant!!". Nope, wrong! I didn't get my next monthly till January of this year, then nothing again until a week ago (august 2010). So i have to admit, at first when i only saw some spotting, my mind wondered to thoughts of pregnancy once again, ha yeah right. Right after these thoughts had cleared my mind came a huge flow, but this time something was way wrong, the pain was terrible. I finally decided i needed to go to the doctor. And finally this time, somebody listened! I have been praying for so long for someone to listen and not just judge me from first glance, and they did! Finally after months of research on my own, the letters PCOS were brought up by someone else! Now I don't want this, but to actually have a label for what is wrong feels amazing, but also a little scary. I go this next week to a new obgyn who will tell me for sure if this is what is wrong, and if it is we will discuss treatment. This to me is a two way street, one way is the treatable/curable street, this is the happy street, the other is things like "removal" and other absolution's of the problem, my own personal nightmare street. So I am just praying for good news. 
A few weeks ago I made a radical decision (only radical for me ) I decided to transfer into the baby room at work, big deal right?! Well for me this was like throwing myself into my own personal hell. Anything to do with babies, pregnancy, any relation at all sends me into a horrible crying fit, and leaves me broken hearted and empty. So yes to me this was a huge deal. I thought, what is the best way to get over something, and throwing myself all in was the only way i could come up with. So the first few days left me with the normal feelings, but things are getting somewhat better now. The thoughts of resentment for the babies parents are long gone. But today, the most awful and awkward thing happened, I was trying to feed a beautiful baby girl who has been kinda sickly all week and doesn't want to drink her bottle, so as she started crying and turning her head away i say, "please, please drink for mahhh....eee ( I caught myself almost saying drink for mommy), when I realized what I was about to say, I immediately burst into tears (thank goodness I work alone) and had to put the child down. I don't know what happened, i guess I just got caught up in the whole thing, but that really just threw me off. After things like this happen, or i see and hear things about people who are pregnant who don't deserve to be, I start to question everything, and hopefully with the aid of this blog and my new obgyn, i will be able to stop that! Just know that you are not alone in this, ladies like us are all over!!